Chief Mourner releases world thinkers’ list

Gogo Sinsamala has not been speaking to the Chief Mourner for 3 days now. This is because behind Gogo Sinsamala’s back, a list was prepared and given to the Chief Mourner for immediate release containing the names of the world’s greatest thinkers as decided by some members of the Bawo club.

It is said that at an impromptu Mang’ina barbeque last Sunday, some bawo club members, having enjoyed one too many of the local brew calabashes that were passed around along with the Nthumbwana and Mang’ina feast, brought up the subject of the world’s greatest thinkers. The subject came up after young Sandikonda expressed his anger at the story that was repeated in various media that Amai had apparently been named number 22 on the list of the world’s greatest thinkers.

“How dare they demote Malawi’s Albert Einstein to a lowly number 22?” Sandikonda had questioned, visibly angry to the point of almost throwing away his Mose wa Lero with which he had been browsing the internet.
Agreeing with young Sandikonda, Bawo club members subsequently had established that Amai, Kwacha devaluer and the darling of the IMF, Mobile Admarc and a blessing to the Chiefs, God’s special gift to sash makers and traditional tailors everywhere, deserved nothing other than the top spot on any list of the world’s greatest thinkers.

For how could Amai not be number one on world thinkers’ list when she had single-handedly solved all of Malawi’s economic problems by one master-stroke and ingenious decision of simply turning over the country to the IMF and the World Bank to run while she went about doing charity work? How could Amai not be given the top spot when in 7 months, she had amassed so much worth she was richer than the government itself and can now manage to label relief maize with her name?
The full world thinkers list as compiled by those great observers at the Bawo club and released by the chief Mourner is therefore as follows:

NUMBER1.
Abiti Mtila, President of the Republic: Only a great thinker could rescue Malawi from forex and fuel woes within 100 days of accidentally ascending to power. Abiti Mtila did it and celebrated the fact at the end of those 100 days. It is even a more impressive demonstration of thinking prowess to convince a country that there is hunger in order to buy its votes through maize distribution. If President can see the sense of spending over 10 million of her government’s very scarce Kwachas in order to distribute maize worth K4 million, the Bawo club has no choice but to concede that her thinking is indeed great and deeper than every one else. If a president can recognize that the best thing to do when bags of sand are being delivered instead of fertilizer is to keep quite and simply continue elevating chiefs, what other evidence is required to demonstrate great thinking? The coup de grace is the explanation that if there still are economic problems after you have celebrated 100 days of their demise, they must have been brought about by your predecessor!

NUMBER 2.
Khambi Kathyali- Vice President of the Republic: One must be a great thinker indeed to be able to get away with abusing one’s own citizens. This great thinker is able to use abusive language while busy enriching himself and squandering their taxes. He can even steal beds from one of the hospitals at night, and still remain Vice President with no one- not even members of parliament- calling for his immediate impeachment.

NUMBER 3.
Raphael Kambala – Attorney General: One must be a great thinker and a brilliant attorney to sue himself and award himself million of kwacha! If, as Attorney General, you can convince your president that she has the power to bypass the constitution and suspend laws, and that she does not need to declare her assets when she ascends to the presidency, you deserve a spot of the thinkers’ list.

NUMBER 4.
Yusuf Matula – PP member: A has-been political outcast suddenly recognises the dullness of the current leadership. He devises a way to get himself back into the big time. He will take to the podium and kiss Amai’s gogoda now dirty from all that walking in the sun! He will castigate one of Amai’s ministers. He will then soon after that, Sue Amai’s government for millions of Kwacha citing some false arrest that was forgotten by everybody 8 years ago, knowing Amai’s government will settle since this is the latest scam for defrauding the government and making quick millions. After all, the brilliant Attorney General has already done it for himself, and he is the perpetrator of the plan, and a percentage of the award will be donated to the party! One of the world’s greatest thinkers s far as this Bawo club is concerned!

NUMBER 5.
Watele Buluzi – Former minister of Economic Planning: It takes a great thinker to reconcile being presidential candidate and leader of an opposition party with being a member of cabinet of the very government you are opposing. It takes even greater thinking to convince your followers that this is the way in which you will accomplish your “Agenda for Change”. It is no simple thing to then resign that ministry because your character and personality have been attacked and called into question by members of the government you’re working with, but still remain an ally of that government in parliament. It takes great thinking even to understand this foolish confusion!

Dear readers, the Chief Mourner apologises that due to Gogo Sinsamala’s anger, he is unable to reproduce the full list. Gogo Sinsamala tore up the list upon hearing about it. He dismissed it as unofficial because neither Abiti Mwenye, nor himself had been consulted. However, the search for the full list goes on and the names of the world’s greatest thinkers, according to the bawo club, will continue to be revealed. As for now, however, The Chief Mourner strongly condemns and denounces those analysts at the “Foreign Policy” Magazine. Amai cannot be number 22 on the list of the world’s 100 greatest thinkers. Let it be known by the misguided editors of that little-known magazine that our “wise and dynamic” Amai, our very own Albert Einstein, the most powerful woman in the world, the kwacha devaluer, the extravagant traveller, the accidental leader, the IMF pleaser, destroyer of economic stability and creator of the fantastic Economic Recovery Plan, and indeed Mobile Maize Distributor can never, ever be number 22. She deserves the top spot. From this time forth, and forever more!

Now, all together please, starting with the sopranos: Oooh Mpongofunika tikamwe mowa….!!”